PS 2 | 5 signs of toxic people and how to get rid of them (2023)

Speaker 1: (00:00)
hello queens I'm so excited that you're here today. I'm going to talk about the top five signs of a toxic person and how to get rid of them. Why guess what? We do not like. We don't want toxic people around. News. That's why we're here, right? IT'S OKAY. Toxic people are probably abusive, okay? Most of them are abusive and emotional abuse is often ruled out because there is no physical evidence like there is with physical abuse. However, it can be just as harmful as physical abuse. And many of you know this, some of you are just finding out, and let's dig into these signs of toxic people and how to get rid of them.

Speaker 1: (00:44)
Welcome to the She Thrives podcast, but still. I am Christy Jade, loving wife, foster mother, empowerment coach, and queen of helping abused women turn their lives around and begin to thrive. I know that you are tired of not feeling well enough, of questioning your decisions, of not knowing how to say no, and the stress continues in your body and in your life. You are looking for more joy and just a little peace. You want to feel safe, take back your power, and lead your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's get started. If you need help recovering from an abusive situation or even getting out of an abusive situation, you can call me. That's $20 off your first coaching call with me on Bitly, bit.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help.

Speaker 1: (01:42)
Ok, let's dig deeper. The five signs of emotional abuse by these toxic people. First, they criticize and judge you. They might even pretend to be joking or turn it around and say you're just sensitive, right? I am here to say that it is not okay to be constantly criticized and judged by anyone. These people do it as a power play. And if you feel you need to ask, do these people always criticize me? The answer is probably yes, and that's a good sign, right? So you are not very sensitive, you are not crazy, you are a human being with normal emotions and you are being played. So, come on, let's say a big note on this, shall we? The next sign is that they don't respect your boundaries. And you can tell they don't respect other people's boundaries or privacy either.

Speaker 1: (02:39)
So these people are very entitled and really don't give a shit what you want. Clear and simple. Abusers are often very controlling. They care about themselves and their needs above others. Often your goal is to please people, people who are very forgiving so that it is easier to control you and they can cross your boundaries without losing you. OK? So if you feel like you're telling them your feelings or asking them not to do something and they keep doing it, or invading your privacy, that's definitely a red flag. So, they're controlling and possessive, okay? Everything has to be his way. You are literally afraid to talk to them or get away with it because of the anger to come. I know when I went through my abusive situation, I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells.

Speaker 1: (03:42)
I was afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing all the time because I had this constant fear that if I did that, what would happen next? Usually emotional abuse for me, there was also physical abuse, right? So if you feel like you're afraid to speak up because of his reaction, that's another telltale sign that you're being emotionally abused. Another sign is that they are manipulative and easy on you. If you don't know what gaslighting is, in the next episode, I'll cover all the narcissistic tendencies and shine a light on all that gibberish for you. Um, but gaslighting plain and simple in a nutshell makes you feel crazy and like you're the crazy one. You are wrong to make him believe things that are not true. Changing things up, there's, yeah, it's kind of a layered behavior that they do.

Speaker 1: (04:42)
But in the end, they manipulate and transform things so that they don't seem what they are. And in turn, you feel like you're going crazy, but you're not the one who's crazy, okay? They know how to get to you, these people know you. They know how to push their buttons. They know how to get in, you know, play to your heartstrings and get there. They know how to persuade you and make you believe that you are crazy. Again, you are not right. So that's a definite sign. If you feel you are doubting why would you swear that X,Y,Z happened and they say it happened and they are credible? This is where it can get complicated because you question yourself. Many of these traits will add up and you will realize that you have been the victim of emotional abuse. And then the last one that we're going to talk about today, it's not all of them, but just the big five, is that they dismiss your feelings.

Speaker 1: (05:38)
This is one of my own triggers from my years of abuse, if I feel rejected. Now, even though I'm on the other side and healed a lot, there's still a little trigger in me that feels like, oh, I just feel rejected and like it doesn't matter. And it kind of pricks that wound, okay? At the end of the day, again, they care about a person, not you, not your feelings, not your desires. They will reject you and your feelings and they won't feel bad about it. This can be tricky and we'll do another episode on this, but especially narcissists and controlling abusers can make excuses if they're desperate. They're usually not self-assuming or self-aware, but if they're in dire straits where they need to satisfy their own need to keep you in a relationship or not, you know, tell someone and not them I don't want to look . wrong, they care what others think of them, so they can excuse themselves and pretend to care about their feelings.

Speaker 1: (06:42)
But overall, you get the feeling that they don't really care about your feelings unless it benefits them. Okay, you've already assessed, maybe you've checked all those beautiful boxes, and you're like, yeah, this is where I'm at, or this is where I was, and now I'm on the mend and we're going to get into that in this podcast as a whole. But that's, you know, for everyone to validate because many times they don't validate us. So these signs are for our own validation or to assess if you are currently in a situation. So if you haven't gotten out of your situation and you're in it, let's talk about how to, you know, get rid of the toxic person. If you're on the other side, sometimes we're still somewhat connected to the person or they still have some control over us.

Speaker 1: (07:32)
I know it can be very complicated. So let's dive into the general ways to get rid of these toxic people. And if you have any more questions or want me to address something specific, you can always email me at ferozmamac@gmail.com. OK? Keep in mind that this will depend on who the person is, their situation, do you live with them? Is it a spouse, is it a family member? Maybe there are younger viewers living with someone. So it can get complicated. That's why, again, I'd love for you to email me with specific questions you can address. And uh, we can go from there. So that's a general opinion and advice, okay? So if it's someone you live with and it's an urgent or risky, abusive situation, okay? When you fear for yourself, for your livelihood, I encourage you to call the domestic violence hotline on 1 800 7 9 9 7 2 3 3.

Speaker 1: (08:30)
OK? I want to get this out there first because if you are in a situation like this it is more urgent and you may need deeper support and you can get free support. So I want to offer this there, okay? If you're in a less risky situation, it could be, you know, it could be someone you live with, but it's not violent. Um, you know, and you're not fearing for your life or anything. Or it could be a friendship, it could be, you know, your aunt, it could be one of your parents, one of your siblings. These are some general tips and they are pretty simple, but sometimes it doesn't seem so simple once you do it. So I understand that. Alright, first, assess whether you need to have a conversation or you can just run away because some people we know aren't going to respond well.

Speaker 1: (09:17)
It's just, especially if it's an abusive person, let's be honest, they don't usually listen to your side. They'll make excuses, you know, they'll sidetrack, they'll turn the tables, they'll be abusive, they'll yell, they'll get out of the situation, they'll ignore you, they'll dismiss your feelings. All the things we talked about, why are you here in the first place, right? And in these situations it is better to go slow and fast. You don't have to have a conversation. And that brings me to a very important phrase. Write with a bright pink marker on your forehead in a mirror somewhere. OK? I need you to listen to this. You owe nothing to bullies. I don't care who they are, I don't care who they are. Someone who is abusive to you, you owe them nothing. Even a conversation. They probably hurt you, intentionally, probably repeatedly.

Speaker 1: (10:17)
You owe them nothing. They usually go after people they want to please or get away with because they're with someone who's more bottomless and they know it, and the people they want to please go along with it, right? We accept things as we go. There is this abuse and many times they make us feel that we owe them something in some way, or we are afraid, but we do not owe them anything. OK? So shake people off the pleasure, the guilt, shake it off, shake it off like a polaroid picture, whatever you gotta do and run fast. Now, on the other side of things, if it's, let's say, a friend who maybe, you know, just doesn't treat you all that well. You feel like maybe they're toxic, maybe some of those things are checked off the list, the signs, so you can gauge if you want to have a conversation. I would, if he was a toxic person I wouldn't, I wouldn't meet him in person, honestly.

Speaker 1: (11:12)
I would keep this in a phone conversation where you have a little more control, it's easier to just hang up. If you have to hang up. You can, you can create a script if you need to. You can only have one sentence. You mean, look, I care about you and everything, but this friendship just doesn't work for me. Sometimes you have to be frank. Perhaps if you find it too difficult to be frank, I have always been able to be a little more direct than others. So these conversations tend to be a little easier for me. I'm going to have a special guest that will help us have these conversations in a much more fluid and pleasant way, but always to the point and in a safe way so that you can get out of the situation and out of the conversation.

Speaker 1: (11:57)
Um, so I'm going to put it because my specialty is not sweetening. That being said, you don't need to have any conversations. If you don't feel comfortable and someone has been abusive to you, you don't owe them anything. OK? And some may not agree with that, but that's probably because they're on the people-pleasing end of the spectrum and they've probably been programmed that way by someone in their life where they feel like they need to be there for someone and call. They have to explain everything and explain everything too much. And that is not the situation. And if you need support, again, I'm here for it. So let's go to the next one. This is very difficult for some people. Block them on social media, on the phone, on the text, on the phone, whatever communication you have, block it. This can be difficult even if they are too toxic, right?

Speaker 1: (12:53)
If this person is emotionally abusive, again, they know how to work with you, and by having access to contact you, they will find a reason to open the can with a small can opener. That's how I always imagine. Like there's just a little space and they're intruding and you're like, oh, it's just a little contact. Because they had to ask if they could get the jacket back, okay? Mm-hmm. , because they are going to stick that can be opened and opened and plunged. And we're trying to get our paws off you, okay? Far away. So you have to block access to you. You don't think that's a bad thing for them, do you? Because that's where our brains can go. No, it's about protecting yourself. You say you want peace in your life and you don't block them. It doesn't match, right?

Speaker 1: (13:39)
Think about that. If you want peace in your life and you are allowing an abusive person to have contact with you, that doesn't make sense. Do not do. They, those two cannot live together in the same space. If you are someone who needs contact because you have children together, you co-create something like that, yes. Obviously this is a different situation and it's something more personalized where I can talk to you about it. Or if you write me an email or if we train together. So there are different and obviously extenuating circumstances, but in general, lockdown is the best way to keep your environment safe and keep the peace. Now the other thing is to seek help. There is no shame in curing the game of abuse. OK? Yes, it's one of the things we can go through. It's awful, right? So you deserve support.

Speaker 1: (14:29)
I recommend a therapist or coach like myself, of course, and one who has had experience with abuse. I don't know if everyone will be open to discuss this, but you can ask the therapists, the life coach. I'm an open book, obviously, you know, I've been there because I found out, even with my own therapy, my own life coaches in my life, that no one really understands unless they've been there. This has been my experience. So I prefer to work with someone who has been through similar abuse so they can understand the ins and outs. Everything's fine? And finally, stay strong, okay? Hold on to your limits, stay strong. You got it. Build the support system around you. If you need to stay strong and give yourself grace, you will have hiccups. You may have taken a step back, steps back, some kind of retreat, okay? ,

Speaker 1: (15:26)
Give yourself grace because it's tough, but you're tougher. So stay strong, give yourself grace and you will be able to do it. Remember, you deserve a happy life. You deserve to prosper. Not just survive, but thrive and be happy and full of joy. And if you're not there, we'll take you there together. And in the next episode, I'll talk about some of the things I did early in my healing process. Once I was out of the situation, a few things got me past that hurdle and into a beautiful new life. So tune in next week,

Speaker 1: (16:07)
Girl. If he has gotten over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, the lack of confidence, self-doubt, it's time for counseling. This is what I do, this is my specialty, this is what I love. And I can help you faster than you think. If you want to call me, I'll offer you $20 off your first call and it's only 10 spots a week and they sell out fast. So definitely act now if you are interested. And you can find me at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set this up. I look forward to helping you survive and thrive, because you deserve to be the queen you always were. Let's talk.